OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.