No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
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[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Got him!
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.