Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
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I learned about self care from watching my cat.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I’m already scared
This trial is so absurd 😭
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs