Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
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I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Software Development ⛵️
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated