I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
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*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.