deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
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You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
New tinder profile pic
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.