Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
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I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!