You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
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Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.