I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
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So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh