I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
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“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that