I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
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Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁