If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
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Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Need WebMD
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!