I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
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I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.