Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
You Might Also Like
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed