Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
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Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Body by Oreos
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
socratic questions
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.