Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
there’s probably a fee though
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.