My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
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[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.