Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
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everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
BRO LMFAO
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.