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H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”