Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
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My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?