I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
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Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.