Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
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I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
they really do be looking like this
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.