My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
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Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
The Friday File.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”