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Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Had to try this trend 😊
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.