Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
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Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
This has made my week.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die