Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
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My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM