Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
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I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.