*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
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I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Hank is one in a melon.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.