them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
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9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.