While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
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Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat