White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
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drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.