i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
You Might Also Like
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
tinder is all about the long game
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.