Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
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Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this