A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
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Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”