I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
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Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.