THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
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ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Incredible customer service.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
My life coach traded me.