The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
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You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab