If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
You Might Also Like
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.