Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up