What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
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Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
That’s classic.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.