Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
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Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke