Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
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Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
😆this is so true
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
What number SPF blocks people?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.