I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
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I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.