Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
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*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now