*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
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[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
called in thicc to work this morning
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.