Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
(Jupiter –
Am I having a stroke?