*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
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ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse