VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
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Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip