“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
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Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I wish this was real life…
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”