Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
just witnessed a drug deal
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.